A Gentleman’s Guide to Wine in Quarantine
This shit sucks. My dad’s been bumping into walls with his brand new VR set and my mom’s been doing Zoom calls at full volume while shoving frozen asparagus into an old oven.
But it doesn’t have to suck.
Restaurants have been turning into retail shops, selling bottles from prize-winning lists, and shops have been delivering as if people are more worried about an empty wine fridge than wiping their ass with napkins that say, “Live, Laugh, Love”.
And dating. Well fuck dating. What about fucking? Christ. Most of us aren’t gonna have sex again until 2023 when bars open back up with strict rules like don’t move unless “Simon Says”. It’s hard being optimistic right now. And news headlines aren’t helping. So if we’re gonna be stuck at home, let’s train our palates and prepare our wine IQ for when every horn dog on Earth hits the streets looking for the truest of gentlemen.
Here is a comprehensive list of several high-volume producers who make good shit. Chances are you can find ’em in most places:
Erath Pinot Noir 2017 ($15 to $19)
A sleek finish and a great value. You can drink this Oregon red with pancakes on a Sunday morning or fresh salmon with creamy pasta, or even by itself. This is a great everyday wine with notes of strawberry and raspberry that makes every sip worth its own picture frame. The bottle also has a screw cap, which makes life easier. When dating comes back, add this beauty to your list and she’ll thank you.
Similar options: Argyle, A to Z, Acrobat, Big Table Farm
Tapiz Malbec Mendoza 2017 ($14 to $17)
I got one of these at Costco and the next week, I emptied the damn crate. This Argentinean Malbec has usurped the Catena Zapata throne! It’s much more approachable and opens up beautifully to a bouquet of flowers and charming black fruits, without forgoing on its tannic structure. It’s bold, but vulnerable, grippy, but also laidback. If she’s sure of herself and knows that the perfect man is a matter of patience rather than force, present the wine that hugs its partner without sticking its ass out.
Similar options: Catena Zapata, Zolo, Los Clop, Alamos, Altos, Zuccardi
Piper-Heidsieck Brut Champagne ($40 to $80)
A true crowd pleaser. Mouthwatering, creamy and bursting with light flavor. Imagine finishing a 5K in a forest and winding up at a misty Pellegrino waterfall. Drinking Piper from a flute, with the bubbles crackling against the tip of your nose, is the closest you’ll get to a waterfall during quarantine. Whether it’s virtual graduation, birthdays or getting furloughed from that job you hate, do me a favor… pop the piper.
Similar options: Möet & Chandon, Perrier Jouët, Veuve Clicquot
Failla Pinot Noir Russian River Valley Keefer Ranch 2017 ($50 to $63)
This is the best wine I tried in 2019. It also made Wine Spectator’s Top 100 list at number 55. This baby sits on the palate until every vapor of fruit has coated the walls of your mouth. It’s incredibly complex with creamy richness, concentrated cherry and hints of spice and chocolate. Long story short, it’s a Sonoma Coast jewel. This is the juice you use long after the first or second date, when things get more serious and the big question inches closer. Or fuck that, order it now. You deserve it. Furlough Schmurlough. A fat bottle of Failla goes a long way regardless of marital status.
Similar options: La Crema, Decoy, Belle Glos, Pinot Project, Kendall-Jackson
Duckhorn Vineyards Napa Valley Chardonnay ($36) and Cabernet Sauvignon ($78)
Fucking sue me. I did a virtual tasting a few weeks ago with these two weapons (2017 vintage). Duckhorn is like the Roman empire of wine or the city of Troy at its peak. Ever hear of Decoy? That’s their value brand and it’s all over the shelves. I’m usually skeptical of Cali Chards because they go full tilt on the butter like Paula Deen. But this Chardonnay slips onto the palate with apple and tangerine flavors, finishing off with a light mix of butter and spice. She’s a beauty to be cherished in a cool glass during a Key West sunset, with waves of hot breezes.
The Cabernet is just as elegant. Notes of plum and blackberry glide along the tongue with a melting feel. This Cab is also lighter than most of its Napa Valley counterparts, thanks to a nice 12% injection of Merlot into the mix. It’s bright, yet firm enough to merit the name Cabernet, and its tobacco accents only make the experience more enjoyable on the nose. You can’t go wrong with this pick. It checks all the boxes and she’s bound to nod her head with pleasure as the sommelier asks if he or she can finish the pour.
Casa Ferreirinha Douro Esteva 2017 ($13)
Portuguese wine is a mood. I’ve been sipping these Douro bad boys since last summer on a consistent basis. Reds from Portugal are a blend grapes which you couldn’t pronounce or spell even if Laurence Fishburne’s character from “Akeelah and the Bee” trained you. The wine is dark red and could block out the sun’s harshest rays. But it’s ripe flavors and neverending complexity move toward a harmonious finish that leaves you thinking. If you’re taking this time to study for the GMAT, crunch numbers, or wonder why Marty Bird started working for a cartel, this is the glass you want by your side. Douro reds are too risky for dates in my opinion because it’s a wine you have to discover on your own, especially when you are lost.
Cloudy Bay Sauvignon Blanc Marlborough 2019 ($31)
Yep. That’ll do. Pour it right here. Thank you. Cloudy fucking Bae you amaze me, and don’t get me started with the 2019 vintage. It’s straight MDMA shipped from the South Island of New Zealand. This white enters without knocking. She swipes right and flirts with every man, woman and animal in the room not for her own benefit, but to make others feel loved. Lime, passionfruit, lemon, tangerine, it’s a tropical party. The spine that holds all of it together is its acidity, bringing expressiveness into every sip. As we approach summer, stock up on Cloudy Bay and let’s go to the beach…6 feet apart of course.
Similar options: Kim Crawford, Oyster Bay, Seaside Cellars
Brunello di Montalcino
Any will do. I said enough in my last article. It’s God’s piss.
Quarantine is far from over. Soon my whole house will be sporting VR sets and I’ll be tanning in the Grand Canyon while my mom waits in Narnia for her Peloton bike to arrive. Every time I sneeze at the dinner table, the house goes silent, maybe a “bless you” is heard under a trembling whisper. All I can do is swirl a glass and thank God I’m not Marty Byrde. I suggest you do the same.
