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Writer // Miami

La Cordillera overlooking Mendoza’s Uco Valley

I’ve been biting my nails my whole life. Since I was a kid, my mom would put this shiny oil that smelled like expired gasoline on my nails. She spread it with a tiny black brush, then once I turned 11 or 12, I did it. The liquid was supposed to stop the habit, but it didn’t. No matter how bad it tasted, I still bit my nails. It took two decades and a trip to Mendoza, Argentina to change that.

I left for Buenos Aires with my dad on March 16. We landed at Ezeiza airport the next morning…


The only good thing about me is I drink coffee. Everything else and you’d think me a bad man. But I promise I’m good. I keep my bed clean. I floss after eating Everything bagels, and I talk to my parents. I even go to therapy. Yes. I am more good than I lead on to be. But I feel like a bad man. I do drugs. Lots of drugs. I fuck hookers when the money’s good. I dream of killing those who wrong me. And I let my ego run the office while I’m awake.

I didn’t have much…


You gotta be shittin’ me. It’s Valentine’s Day and I’m still wearing the same mask I wore on the L train when my office closed. Now look at us. We can’t even see who we’re in love with in public. But it’s more of a reason to drink good wine on a special night. Finding love is hard to do, and some would argue it’s all we’re here to do. So if you have a special someone, raise a glass to them, then pour some out for the single homies like me and everyone else who’ll end up running out…


Is dating still a thing?

Is dating a thing anymore? Pretty sure I’ve been on zero this year, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t had enough wine to drink Gilgamesh under the table on the banks of the Euphrates. This year has given me a chance to expand my palate, get a sommelier certification and taste great wines on a daily basis. Whether it’s for the holidays coming up, weekends with family, virtual dates or the desire to forget 2020, here is a list of my top wines of the year:

Casa Ferreirinha Esteva Douro 2018 ($11)

It’s dark purple hue is unmistakable. Made with…


In the summer of 2015, I decided to work on a goat cheese farm in France. Sounds romantic, exotic, adventurous, right? Two days before hopping on a plane to the coastal city of Nice, I called the farmer and asked him what I should pack. “You need boots,” is all I could get from his broken English. I nodded toward my fresh Columbia boots, which were shiny and still emanating that new shoe smell. But it wasn’t until I got to the Miami airport that my decision to live at a stranger’s farm and milk his goats got to my…


I was driving my car to Home Depot with the windows down. I prefer hot wind over cool air in the Summer. A mosquito flew in and got itself stuck under the wind shield. Not really “stuck”… more like trapped. The little fucker kept hitting against the glass and buzzing up and down, most likely questioning why this clear force field was there, or probably not thinking at all. At times, the mosquito just sat there, with its sticky legs, scratching its head. Then it would buzz up and down again. Dude. …


“What do I have to do?” I asked.

“So you’re gonna play a cop and you have to shoot my little brother,” my friend responded.

Three years ago, I was asked to play a cop on stage for the 35th annual African American Homecoming Pageant at Ohio State. The scene was easy to memorize and didn’t involve a lot of choreography. Just be a suspicious cop. Ask what these two black kids are doing. Then shoot the one trying to pick a fight with you. And run off.

This was post-Michael Brown, Eric Garner, Philando Castile, Alton Sterling and many…


This shit sucks. My dad’s been bumping into walls with his brand new VR set and my mom’s been doing Zoom calls at full volume while shoving frozen asparagus into an old oven.

But it doesn’t have to suck.

Restaurants have been turning into retail shops, selling bottles from prize-winning lists, and shops have been delivering as if people are more worried about an empty wine fridge than wiping their ass with napkins that say, “Live, Laugh, Love”.

And dating. Well fuck dating. What about fucking? Christ. Most of us aren’t gonna have sex again until 2023 when bars open…

Shawn Zylberberg

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